How bad I miss you !!

Sometimes there is nothing more you can do but just to let it go. It’s just an optimistic approach calling it ‘sometimes’. Realistic thoughts would replace it with ‘many times’. So, as a matter of fact, ‘many times’ there are things you just have to sit duck about it, physically of course, psychologically numerous things can be done, drown in grief, sulk till the bottle is empty, cry, weep, get depressed, avoid people, avoid doing anything and everything, just create a hell out of it and go to the same freaking hell. I could say OR be positive, get yourself busy, do things you like, listen to happy music, blah blah and more fucking blah…all bullshit, nothing works, if you already know why in the Gods name you are doing all those i-should-feel-happy stuff then what’s the use? You already know it.

I thought I would get over it. After all its been almost an year now and willingly or unwillingly I have accepted the fact that I would not get it back and it belongs to someone else now. Call me a coward, coward who could not stand for what he wanted, who just kept watching it go and did nothing about it. ‘Many times there is nothing you can do but let it go’ repeated to myself, ‘and sulk’ added just to feel worse.  

I get nightmares. I mean can you believe it after a year also I am getting nightmares of losing it, that too after losing it in real. Nightmares of seeing it with someone else, nightmares of it getting loved by someone else, I shut my eyes in those ugly dreams knowing that they are already shut, just to avoid the face of the one who is having authority to have it, to have it with him timelessly and also to avoid seeing it, cause every time I see it, even in my dreams, I feel the urge, the thirst to get it back.      

I realize it now. I should have pleaded in front of my parents, I should have begged to society, to spare it, to let it be with me, to allow me to hold its hand and never let it go, moments we have spend together, time we have lived together are unforgettable, i still feel it with me always, doing anything and everything, be it watching a movie, going on a drive, walking, eating, roaming, everywhere i miss you, i just keep thinking what if you were not with someone else, but me. I should have fought for you and for myself, I should have…

Today, when I am writing this, just to reduce some weight from my aching heart, I feel shoddier, no more peace to be found, no more relief to the pain. Just waiting and waiting from past one year to get used to of it, to get used to of the reality that it can never be my again. I want you to know its hurting, hurting real bad and i know that you know i am doing it to get you out of my mind, struggling to get you out of my heart, i know you belong to someone else... 

I love you, my bachelorhood.