How bad I miss you !!

Sometimes there is nothing more you can do but just to let it go. It’s just an optimistic approach calling it ‘sometimes’. Realistic thoughts would replace it with ‘many times’. So, as a matter of fact, ‘many times’ there are things you just have to sit duck about it, physically of course, psychologically numerous things can be done, drown in grief, sulk till the bottle is empty, cry, weep, get depressed, avoid people, avoid doing anything and everything, just create a hell out of it and go to the same freaking hell. I could say OR be positive, get yourself busy, do things you like, listen to happy music, blah blah and more fucking blah…all bullshit, nothing works, if you already know why in the Gods name you are doing all those i-should-feel-happy stuff then what’s the use? You already know it.

I thought I would get over it. After all its been almost an year now and willingly or unwillingly I have accepted the fact that I would not get it back and it belongs to someone else now. Call me a coward, coward who could not stand for what he wanted, who just kept watching it go and did nothing about it. ‘Many times there is nothing you can do but let it go’ repeated to myself, ‘and sulk’ added just to feel worse.  

I get nightmares. I mean can you believe it after a year also I am getting nightmares of losing it, that too after losing it in real. Nightmares of seeing it with someone else, nightmares of it getting loved by someone else, I shut my eyes in those ugly dreams knowing that they are already shut, just to avoid the face of the one who is having authority to have it, to have it with him timelessly and also to avoid seeing it, cause every time I see it, even in my dreams, I feel the urge, the thirst to get it back.      

I realize it now. I should have pleaded in front of my parents, I should have begged to society, to spare it, to let it be with me, to allow me to hold its hand and never let it go, moments we have spend together, time we have lived together are unforgettable, i still feel it with me always, doing anything and everything, be it watching a movie, going on a drive, walking, eating, roaming, everywhere i miss you, i just keep thinking what if you were not with someone else, but me. I should have fought for you and for myself, I should have…

Today, when I am writing this, just to reduce some weight from my aching heart, I feel shoddier, no more peace to be found, no more relief to the pain. Just waiting and waiting from past one year to get used to of it, to get used to of the reality that it can never be my again. I want you to know its hurting, hurting real bad and i know that you know i am doing it to get you out of my mind, struggling to get you out of my heart, i know you belong to someone else... 

I love you, my bachelorhood.

Hindi movie scene !!

9 o clock and they all were here. Four mallus, same age same language and in same house, can be noisy like old Yamaha rx-100 with its silencer damaged. Sunday morning is already considered spoiled, if you wake up at 9. I looked at my other roommate who fortunately is a Tamilian, was already scratching his head and faking smiles. ‘four mallus’ I said to him, his fake smile turned into a genuine one.

Story is something like this. I live with two other fellas, one tamil and other being a maliyali. One of the friend of this mallu guy is getting engaged today so they all decided to come over, so the scene, basically it was get together of the groom and his three other friends for the event which was scheduled in the evening. Well being roommates of one of them we were also cordially invited. And this was the only reason we both were faking smiles to their annoying, loud, non understandable comments, conversations and over the top laughs. Or maybe I was just pissed off being not able to complete my sleep on a Sunday morning.

Almost whole day there was no change in the situation; headphone helped for some time but then how long eardrums can be beaten with extra decibels. Finally time came and they all got busy in finding matching socks and matching tie for their well stitched suit. My Tamil friend came over, ‘dude, suit?’ I smiled, ‘now days people wear suits in India also and you in US my friend’

‘but I don’t have any’

‘then why the hell I am here for, take mine, but then you have to compromise with some short sleeves and tight waist’ I winked.

And there we were, five good looking and one extra good looking gentlemen, not me, the groom. Venue was in Wheeling, it was grand, I mean if you see in other way, everything is grand in here. I would have called it grand if it was back there in India. But yes, it was nice, well decorated and well organized. I felt like I was visiting a auditorium where a big drama is going to be performed and the best part was that I was not even asked to buy a ticket.

I could see so many people around, mostly mallus, both the families were there, happy of course, people eating chatting and drinking. We were still there with the groom and only thing pending was the ring ceremony but the girl or I should say bride was not in yet.

Twenty minute passed. Thirty minutes passed. Forty minute passed. We were now sitting instead of standing, people were done eating and chatting, there were less faces with smiles, now they all wanted this to be finished. ‘its getting late’ was written on every face including ours.

Finally a lady came in, I was sure she was not the bride, must be one of her friend. She directly walked to us and said, ‘she wants to talk to you’ whoever heard, faces turned pale. This malyali engagement scene was really turning into a hindi movie scene. Before anyone could understand what was going on, the girl and groom were out of the sight.  Five minutes passed, ten minutes passed and just after it crossed seventeen minutes, we saw him coming out bride was walking with him. This time again the couple directly walked to us. She turned to me, ‘will you still be quite?’ I froze, what the…she was talking to me, the bride, in this grave and this threat like situation was asking me if I would still be quite? Quite? To hell with quite, I don’t even know her, I freaking don’t even know her name. I felt all eyes on me, including my roommate, inside my heart I pleaded, ‘oh greatest mallu god, please be merciful on this poor little hindi speaking soul’ I freaking hope that Maliyali Gods understand hindi or English for that matter.

‘I love you and I know you love me too’ she said and I skipped few beats, brain stopped, lungs struggled for air, eyes stoned, mouth felt drought, arms and legs felt quake, a complete weather extreme disaster. whole body said, ‘dude this is the best time to collapse and talk to the floor’

‘Manu, what is this all?’ this time it was groom. ‘Manu?’ I repeated. ‘Manu?...i am not Manu…I am…I am…I struggled to recollect my name but before that someone walked passed me, pushing me aside. 'Holy shi…Chicago….mind you Chicago is pronounced as ‘shicago’ so this replacement is valid. Soon I came back to senses and thanked my parents for not keeping my name ‘Manu’. I turned to my Tamil friend, 'what was name again?' he ignored, better scene was ahead.

Half of the crowed left the place. There were few close once left. Later I came to know that Manu wanted to sacrifice his love for his friend. I guess I have heard a similar story or rather I might have watched it, typical hindi movie or maybe malyali movie, but then they all are some or the other way inspired by some real life events.