Last day of Year !!

It was last day of the year 2010. This time it was different, different a lot. Clock was showing 10:14 of the night, still two hours left of this year. Whole world was ready to welcome the New Year, everyone having plans of their own. But for me it was just a call which made all the difference. I was not even able to tell my father that he has just lost his mother. Just twelve days passed when my mother lost her father now it was for my father to face the situation.

What an irony. They were 1600 kilometers away from him when my nana died and now again they are 1600 kilometers away when dadi left us. I saw him. He was not crying. He is a strong man. But I was able to see his stoned eyes. I never saw him being weak, but I guess this was day. Dadi was the only one who has made him what he is today. A widow lady alone had faced the world just for her two children, one of them, my father. She was gone and at her last moment we were not with her, my father was not with her. I saw my mother cursing herself for not talking to her on phone last night, she was helpless now. Only thing she can do was cry, just cry.

It has been a year now. One more New Year eve has made all the past fresh. I don’t know if I will be able to celebrate the New Year in future but I am sure that whenever the world will enter a new year, the entire last night of 2010 will be in the back of my mind.

The last day of New Year is the last memory of my Dadi, for whom I was the favorite grandchild and she wanted me to be with her at her last moment. I failed.

Last day of the year will always remind me of my failure…

date was...20th in December of 2010 !!

It was 2:37 of night. I was standing in front of him. Only sound coming was continuous beep. Slow as death.  He said I know it is difficult but the truth is that his kidneys are not responding. Only hope was to keep him on dialysis but his blood pressure is not increasing. Blood pressure is not at all recordable. He paused.  I looked at the machine; there were two lines instead of numbers. After few minutes he continued, he is breathing just because of ventilator. If Blood pressure does not comes up in next few minutes he is dead.  A vibration ran through my body.  I left the ICU and dialed to my mother.  She picked up the phone and started crying. She knew if I call at this point of time, then her father is dead. “Catch the first flight and come” I said in cold voice.

‘I wanted to see him…’ she started crying, it was a sob for death, I can never forget the voice of hers. Next moment there was a voice on phone, it was my father’s. I said he is still there but there is hardly a chance that he will be able to make it to the morning...he just said ok and the phone was cut. I came near nani, she was almost unconscious, but knew what was going on. I just sat beside her.

It was 2:52 in the clock. There was a pin drop silence in waiting room of the hospital, silence of death, silence of presence of death. i saw it coming towards me in form of her. Same white dress, no sound coming from her walking, she came close and close and said, ‘doctor is calling’ I knew the nurse was messenger, its messenger. He was gone. I put my hand on my nani’s shoulder, she understood, not able to speak, she just screamed, it was no sound scream. Few people who were present there just looked blankly on us. May be they were helplessly waiting for their turn to come.

Doctor was ready to cover the face of him. I heard nani saying, ‘he is breathing…’ I knew it was ventilator, but waited for the doctor to remove it, he did and the ray of hope in her eye faded. Next moment my nana just became a dead body, to which people just wanted to get rid of…

It has been months, but the silence of that beeps are still fresh…

Santa..want my small stone back !!

Hi Dear Santa,

I am fed up. Oops…this is not a way to start a letter. I will start again. Here it goes…

Dear Santa,

Hope you are fine. I always pray to God for your good health. I am also fine here, not exactly but just to complete the format of the letter. As I got this wonderful opportunity to write a letter to you, I don’t want to miss this chance of asking you for a gift of my choice.

I want my perception back.

When I was five, everyone around me was happy; everything in this world looked beautiful and amazing. Even a small rounded stone made me so surprised that I saved it for as long as I forgot that it was with me. I smiled at each and everything which I saw, a bird, a frog, a fish, a sweet, a chili, a cake, a cow,  grass, tree, cycle, car, chair, table and what not, everything.

Then time passes and I was ten. Now I saw most of the people around me were happy but I found few exceptions, I thought there are always exceptions. Now a small rounded stone was a different stone than others, but I never picked it again, there was no surprise element it was just a shape. I smiled, but not on everyone and everything, some birds, chili, chair, tables were not worth my smile.

At the age of fifteen, half of the people around me were unhappy, I don’t know what made them unhappy, but they were, maybe the syllabus was too lengthy and we had exams in the school. A small rounded stone was used to hit the dogs and cats, sometimes on other people too, mind was becoming more destructive. Now I smiled on jokes, exam results, teachers, someone falling and many more but the birds, frogs, trees grass were out of the list.

Time passes, twenty is too much. Everyone seems struggling, but still I managed to find few who were happy, may be nice job or good grades or a girlfriend, but at least few were happy. A small rounded stone either I saw in a fish tank or in a cactus pot, who cares. I smiled when I get funny message, when a girl talks to me, but the teachers, jokes, someone falling were out of the list now, and list was far too small now.

Now I am 25, and believe me nobody is happy. And stones are something which is unacceptable either on the road or the jogging track but acceptable in kidney. I smile only when I am helpless, either because of a bug in the code or because I am not getting work. Only one thing to smile, helplessness…I want my perception back.

Hopefully I will get this gift from you, on the eve of Christmas. Waiting for Christmas and your arrival and will keep an empty sock near my bed.

With hell lot of smiles (I got one more reason to smile)

Admirer of your laugh…

I don’t know on what address this has to be posted, hopefully you will check the blogs…