Stop laughing !!

What have you achieved? Have you ever given a thought on this? What is our motive in life? Just going office, doing some crap work, coming home and watching TV, is that all the purpose of our souls? Think of it? You have not been given a life just to waste here; we have been given this life to do something, to achieve something. Wake up you all, find something, invent, discover. This is what, Man is…

And he stopped in between. My heart skipped a beat as he glared straight in my direction. I looked my right in hope that he was staring my bench mate, all hope died. On a positive note I turned left to see if at all he is staring the one sitting my left. Bingo, poor guy had raised his hand. What? I shouted in my mind, ‘raised his hand?’ I immediately turned to my right and asked, ‘what’s wrong?’ ‘I told him not to taste the ‘Old Monk’ which my uncle bought and was kept in the fridge’ he explained. I bit my lips, stuck my nails in my arm, and pressed my left toe with right leg just to stop myself bursting into laugh. Unfortunately, along with being bench mates here,  we all were roommates too and his uncle was an army man, just came to visit him and the rum was not for us but was kept there only to get chilled. ‘Whoa, we are dead now, that too in an auditorium full of staring eyes’ I thought.

It was my idea to attend this motivational interacting session, I knew all three of us needed some real motivation, also something to pass time on a boring weekend and the best part was that it was free of cost…real motivation behind it.

‘Yes my son, what is your doubt’ the speaker said almost kissing the microphone. I saw a volunteer running towards us holding a mike in hand. He handed over the mike to him and sat near the stairs. I bumped my head and asked my other friend to close his mouth; he closed and said, ‘I hate my uncle’. I repeated the procedure which helps in stopping the laugh.

‘There is no doubt at all, I just wanted to share with all that I am not like rest of you here. I am special. I have found something and I have discovered something’ I was able to see hundreds of eyes on him already, curious enough to peek out from the skull, just waiting for the achievement, our underachiever roommate has achieved.

After a pause of unbarring few seconds, he started again, ‘I have invented something which can make you look through a wall…’ my mouth went open, I turned to the right, ‘he never told us something of this kind’ instead of giving an answer he just bumped his head and murmured, ‘he got this forwarded message in the morning, we are dead’

Meanwhile the speaker asked ‘and what is that invention my child?’ ‘Window’ was the reply.

All attempt to stop myself laughing, failed and next moment we all were standing on the street, no prizes for the write answer, we were thrown out of the auditorium. Next moment two of them were standing face to face, staring each other, I was still struggling to control my laugh.

‘What did I do? Anyway the lecture was quite boring’ he said, I was laughing like hell, telling myself to stop laughing…

oh my lord, i died!!

Spitting here and there is a bad habit. If you have not heard it from your parents, you must be quite a dumb child I guess. Anyway, I have heard it a lot, not only from my parents but from the neighbors too, specially whenever I stood in the balcony, they were just disgusting, as soon as they see me, they shouted, ‘dare you spat from there’ I just thought what their problem was? Do they want me to come down and spit? Why in god’s name they wanted that? Leave it.

Well, it all started when I came Mumbai, to spend my summer holidays with my nana-nani, of course there was my mama too staying in the same house but I don’t know why he was never mentioned by anyone, they will just say, ‘oh! Going to stay with nana-nani? Huh?’ poor mamaji. It was just another day, I was standing in the balcony to see if I can find someone to play with, ours is the flat at second floor in a seven story building, unfortunately no one for last ten or so minutes. Alas! I was the only company to myself and it was high time that I start looking for something which may pass my much precious time, which was running like hell (I guess Hell never runs, it is just a way of giving some weight to the sentence, unfortunately sentences also do not have any weight, leave it)

Meanwhile my eyes got stuck on a frog, which was not moving at all, see my eagle eyes, no no I was not going down to know whether it was dead or alive. There are more methods to find it out, any guesses? Well you are right, just spit on it, if it runs, bravo, if not, again bravo at least you can challenge that stupid, the one who stays in next apartment and claims that he can spit on anything he aims.

Now it was time for the real test. I imagined a cup of chocolate ice cream and next moment my mouth started watering, how can one shoot without bullets, you know? I came little ahead, holding the balcony grill tightly, even I fear of falling from it and what were you thinking? Anyway, making my head steady just inline to the frog, closing the left eye, clearly seeing my target like Arjuna, and puccchhhhhh, I dropped the bomb.  ‘Oh! It almost touched it’ I shouted in my mind, that was a failure, but the close call encouraged me, I am not a looser, I will try till I will end this, I remember the eighth chapter in my book, the story of the spider which tried for 17 times before it was able to climb the wall, in my case it was only one, still sixteen chances are left.  

Chocolate ice-cream seemed unlucky, so how about a hot samosa with sauce, my mouth got flooded, and again I was ready for the shootout. Same posture, head little tilted to left, hands and legs firm, target locked from one eye, I was just about to pull the trigger and some shouted from inside the house,

‘Come here beta, say bye to aunty, she is leaving’ mamaji said to me, I know it was just a showoff in front of her girlfriend (he will not agree and shout that she is just a friend). He wanted her to know that he love children too, a point on which girls will get impressed, liar mamaji, he also inturrepted my mission.  

Anyway, after she left pulling my cheeks, I was back with a new energy (not because she pulled my cheek, but because I took a break, I just thought of clarifying). Image of samosa was still fresh in my mind and the whole bombing system was well prepared. I crunched my fingers and made myself in the position, with full confidence of hitting the target, I dropped the bomb, oh my god, oh my holy god, I immediately swung my hands to catch hold of the bullet, but gravitational force won the fight and I helplessly saw it falling on someone’s head and someone was none other than my mamaji’s girlfriend (now I wanted her to be just a friend of him), I gulped the bombs which were remaining in my mouth and slowly said, ‘oh my lord, save me’. I wanted to say ‘hey ram’ but I don’t like the old man very much, so just a normal sentence. There was no strength left in me to get a glimpse whether she was still standing there. I heard the doorbell ring and next moment mamaji was standing in front of me and she was standing behind him, holding few tissue papers.

I tilted my head towards her and asked ‘did you crush the poor frog? Then I realized something and slowly said again, ‘oh my lord, I died’…

those eight hundred bucks…

‘Hey hey stop the bike’ she shouted from behind and immediately I applied the break to my bike running at a speed of almost wind. Wind was blowing with the speed of around eighty kilometers per hour, if you are really interested to know. Next moment I was standing at the roadside of a highway waiting for the girl to complete her call, probably to some other man, I don’t know, she said it was her father’s call, in that case also I was correct, he was some other man. She does not want him to know that she was riding on a bike with some other man, now that other man is me. See this is what an issue is, if it was a boy then there was no issue, he might have taken the call and told his father that he will call later but then why in whole world I will offer a boy to drop him at his home? So here I was, going to drop her at home.

I looked around, it was almost dark, few street lights burning at full strength they had, but that was not enough. Vehicles running on the highway as if their wives chasing them, I would have told dogs chasing them, but then they will not run that fast. In the light of my bike’s headlight I saw a small bug trying to climb on the front tyre, how dare he? I shook the handle and in next moment it turned into some tomato sauce, although it was not red in color, yellow, maybe rotten egg sauce. ‘Very bad, I should not have killed the poor guy’ I thought and turned off the engine so that no more poor people get killed.

‘Let’s go’ I heard from back. I thanked my guardian angel as she was done speaking lies to his father. I told her not to sit as I am also a poor guy and having no money to change the battery so that self start of my bike starts working. I kicked, once, twice, thrice sometimes my bike really likes to get kicked, before I can kick fourth time a white sumo victa, filled with cops stopped in front of me. ‘Holy hell’

One by one all came out, I counted, one…two…three……………eight.

‘License?’ ‘Other papers?’ ‘What are doing here?’ ‘Don’t you know it is not allowed to stop at the highway?’ ‘Who is she?’ ‘What is she doing here with you?’ ‘Are you married?’ ‘Is she your girlfriend?’ where do you live?’ ‘Where does she lives?’ many more questions were asked and answers were given, of course questions by them and answers by me. I know God got upset as, killing the bug, I just sent one more soul to his kingdom, increasing the population.

Finally I was given with last two choices, one, come with us to police station and give all your details and we will let you go. 'Yes yes why not after all police station is my father-in-law's house and there I will get some russgullas to eat, idiots, tell the second one’ I shouted all this in my mind.

Second, I have spend hell lot of money on many things in my life, I never remembered the price or the amount which I had spent on them, but I guess whole my life, there will not be a day ever, I will forget those eight hundred bucks…